just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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