Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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