Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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