9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
