RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
