ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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