I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Two words: blizzard sex
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
