I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The air taste purple.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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