M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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