I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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