I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
