I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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