If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
