I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
