Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
