I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
