Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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