I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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