mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
