I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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