you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
