This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
