i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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