Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
