Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
