Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize