So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
