She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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