bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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