I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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