I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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