We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
