Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
