I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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