five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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