Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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