I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
