im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
