I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
