dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
