im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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