in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's always time for handjobs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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