shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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