I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
