if you like me you must not know who I am
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
