she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
