just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He better not be in your backpack
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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