Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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