They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
