I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
