I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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