Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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