I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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