the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
