New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
