If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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