I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
