we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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