On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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