this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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